It is still crazy to me how different this hospital is from what I am used to. I really don't think they have any money to update things. I guess its around 150 years old.  One of my shifts last week I was the 'med nurse' meaning I didn't have a patient assignment I just helped give all the medications to all the patients on the unit.

I have now attempted writing what I am going to say next like 10 times.

        One patient had a medication due around 11. So I grabbed it and got all geared up with my PPE. I was going in to the room of an 89 year old man who was on palliative care. He had COVID and was DNR. I had taken care of him a few shifts before. I walked into his room and said his name as cheery as I could while I shut the door. When I saw him he didn't look good.  But you see, people that are actively dying never look good. Um, see this is when I wish I was a writer and could say this more eloquently. But I looked at this man and I waited for him to take a breath and it never came. So I felt for his pulse and it wasn't there. He was gone.
       I have done post mortem care a couple times so I knew the routine. But I have never been the person to find someone no longer breathing. It didn't really hit me about what had happened until later, like now as I am writing this.
      I went and told his nurse that I was pretty sure he was dead. Apparently, there the proper terminology is expired. But I don't like that. It sounds like he was just an old fruit that had gone bad or some old milk that had expired. Anyways, it is so insane to me that he wasn't on any type of monitors to know the exact moment that he passed. That no one was there with him at that moment. He was all alone. And I just think if maybe he was on monitors someone could have been in there with him. This isn't just because of COVID.  I think a lot of adult hospitals do this. It's just extra weird right now because no family could be in there.
        It's such a weird time, people are dying all alone. I have heard stories since I have been here about nurses walking in and finding their COVID patients dead on the floor or in the bathroom. This is a virus that affects peoples oxygen levels, when they start to drop it goes fast!
        Yesterday, I was on their tele floor, which I love, because then I can see what is happening with my patients hearts and oxygen levels. I had a 42 year old female with COVID that was on a BiPAP machine, this helps push the oxygen into her lungs. When we would lay her flat to help get her clean her oxygen sats would drop to the 60s!! That is so scary for me! That is when I would be calling a rapid response for help back home. But with these patients it is kind of their normal. I mean you still have to watch them and make sure their levels come back up. But it happens slowly and it makes me very anxious waiting for it.
       I don't really know where I am going with this post. Death is a part of nursing. I knew this when I signed up all those years ago. And I figured I would see this when I signed up to come to New York. Good news is the hospitals COVID numbers have gone way down. When I first got here the number was over 120 now its 25. They have discharged over 600 COVID patients. Everyone is saying that I am a hero coming here to work and they are so proud of me. But honestly, the hard part is over. I missed all that. I feel like I am doing just everyday nursing. And I shouldn't be considered a hero.